The Rainman Impression

when trying to meet a woman, do not and i mean DO NOT approach her and her friends while they are having a conversation. AND DO NOT say, "hi, my name is____ (insert your name here) and i am obviously rudely inserting myself into your conversation." that's not a good start at all. so, continuing on with "ahhhh, i have a unicorn in my pocket (as you reach into your pocket to pull out the unicorn carved from a clear stone that your friend brought back from mexico)" and slamming it down on the lex table would not be advisable at this point. then as they stare in amazement at the absurdity that is unraveling before them, you might not want to add, "you should see my other glass menageries." because although you might not have glass menageries and you think that it is hilarious and super witty b/c you've referenced americana literature, they will probably wonder why you aren't wearing your helmet and when the special bus is going to come and pick your rainman-ass up.

so, heed my word don't do that because you will never meet the girl. you will def. leave an impression but it might not be the one you want.

kmart sucks!

Merc in Retro Girl

forgive me for being away from the blog for awhile. and no, i haven't found a gf. phew... i know you were worried what would you do if you didn't have dating atrocities to read?


but let me ask you, have you ever had a mercury in retrograde girl? me neither, except for this mercury in retrograde. you ask what the hell is a merc in retro girl and where can you get one. well, let me tell you. and you have to forgive the true california nature of this story.

sf pride really sucked, especially dyke march! i was hanging with my gang and a woman who, at the time, was at the top of dr. rollingstone's list (it's really sexy when you talk about yourself in the third person. and, i'm working on bringing sexy back. i think i lost my mojo somewhere in the crowd at pride. so, if you found it can you dust it off and send it back to me please). i digress. we had a vip lounge on the lawn of dolores park for dyke march - along with vip passes and the whole nine. the sun was out and everyone was getting wasted on my special white wine and peach sangria (b/c i'm a faggy mo with the penchant for finery). i had macerated those effing peaches over night in brandy. they were plump with alcohol, making the sangria a high alcohol content beverage. and it was "as cold ice...you're willing to sacrafice our love" foreshadowing the events to follow.

i was as happy as a clam. i had my friends around me and the girl i was digging on. and i was being cool. and not overly dorky, like i can be. the day went along smoothly or so my hazy dyke march addled brain thought. when the darkness began to creep into my happiness. i cried out (well in my mind...i did), "don't let the sun go down on me." but it did anyways, no thanks to sir elton john. "the top of my list" picked-up another woman right in front of me. i caught them in an embrace, they flirted, they talked... i wanted to be sad but i couldn't. the best i could do was be anxious. and, insult to injury, they went home together. this is where my mercury in retrograde began.

for all of you who don't know what mercury in retrograde means, here is the rundown.

the days to follow were drama filled and painfully long. and i fell deep into a women-can-kiss-my-grits hole. and then i came across this horoscope:

"All that goofiness going on in your partnership sector offers a splendid opportunity to re-evaluate all kinds of one-on-ones. (Which, in case you don't know it, is what this current Mercury retrograde madness is all about.) Once you've pulled the threads of a relationship together, you'll see an interesting pattern." - Double Team, Psychic Dream (SFBG.com)

my pattern if you haven't already figured it out from my blog is to desire women who ultimately don't want me so that i never have to be emotionally obligated. clever, huh? then i can just complain about my dating life and you get a good laugh (really a win-win situation).

so, i tried to block my ruined sf pride (that's almost serves as a double entendre but i'm not sure that i want it that way) out of mind. and who entered stage left, my mercury in retrograde girl? i didn't know it at the time, it just sort of happened.

have you ever had a mercury in retrograde girl?
she appears out of nowhere and then vanishes into other worlds.

but during merc in retro she is ominpresent
every ounce of her is passion
and you know this b/c she collects problem children
you are lucky not to be a problem or a child. the perfect perch.
she's a fraction of your size but you get to watch her slap the y chromosome out of some dude, as she defends your honor.
and she knows how to rock the vip lounge.
a hero.

and you know it won't last but that's mercury's way - the merry prankster.
so you absorb it all like a sponge that you never want to wring out.
pushing boundaries, pushing texts, pushing drugs.
because she's your mercury in retrograde girl.

Extravaganza

Extravagance gives you an edge when wooing the ladies. Actual studies were done somewhere to show this, and I'm sure most people have a romantic story from their life or from a friend of that perfect thing a date did that was so great they are remembered for it years later. For example, my friend hired a mariachi band to serenade the girl she liked on her birthday. They are still girlfriends. Another woman I know set up a car service to pick up a date after a long business trip so they could sit in the back seat together and have wine and appetizers (and make out) without worrying about traffic.

An extravagance by definition is an instance of excess, especially an excessive outlay of money. Notice the word instance. That doesn't mean splashing out every single date, since that will lose the element of surprise and bankrupt most lesbians pretty quickly. Setting up the ideal extravagance is a one shot deal for early on in the relationship. The purpose is to impress and delight your date not with the amount of disposable income you can burn but with how well you interpret the information you have about them and how far you are willing to go to make them feel special. For example, you've been on a couple dates with this hottie that you really like and want to keep seeing. You know she loves Tegan and Sara, but hates crowds. So you get in touch with everyone you know, pull strings, beg favors, offer trades, and get VIP passes to the show so you both can watch from the special box away from the big crowd. And make sure you have a bottle of something she likes to celebrate with.

This is really important when vying for a woman who is getting a lot of attention. If you are sure you would like to be number one in her heart, try extravagance. Remember to use what you know about her, plan plan plan, and express how special she is to you.

Guide to SF Lesbian Dating NeoSoul Mix Tape #3

yes, yes, i know you're eagerly awaiting another mix tape. well, here it is. this mix is potent stuff. and you should only use it if you have the soul to handle it. and when i mean soul, i mean your inner barry white. no he's not on it. i'm warning you now of this fact b/c i don't want to hear any bitching and moaning, "where's barry white?" that mix is a whole different level of soul that you need to work your way up to. trust me.

this mix comes with a wine and location pairing.

first the wine selection. i would recommend a nice mouvedre or something that has the aroma of cigar and leather. i promise that these particular scents are just the right aphrodisiac with this mix. and, if you want to up the ante, go out and get oysters first. then, invite her over for a night cap (wink, wink).

location. i would suggest on a couch in your living room. hopefully you live alone and hopefully you have a couch. i say living room because this mix is so strong you will wind up in the bedroom anyway. and to start out in the bedroom is just a waste. unless, she attacks you once you get in the door. then cue it up in the bedroom if you even get there... this mix also works on a nice starry night in a garden of eden. just to clarify a garden of eden is any well groomed backyard that consists of an array of plants and flowers.

ok enough talk here it is

Fallin' - Alicia Keys
Adam - Me'Shell Ndegéocello
A Woman's Worth - Alicia Keys
A Long Walk - Jill Scott
Wish I Didn't Miss You - Angie Stone
Jóga - Björk
Dissolved Girl - Massive Attack
Thieves Like Us - New Order
The Sea - Morcheeba
It's Only Love That Gets You Through - Sade
Sand in My Shoes - Dido
Tonight's The Night - Janet Jackson
She's Gone - Daryl Hall & John Oates
If I Ain't Got You - Alicia Keys
Slow Love - Prince
Sara Smile (Remastered) - Daryl Hall & John Oates
Ganja Babe - Michael Franti & Spearhead
You Don't Know My Name - Alicia Keys
When You Were Mine - Prince
Mary's In India - Dido
I Couldn't Love You More - Sade
I Get Lonely - Janet Jackson
Sometimes - Michael Franti
Blindfold - Morcheeba


so, i have to say a few things about this mix now that you've seen it's innards. you might be questioning my validity as a self-described mix tape master. BUT just because there are two hall and oates songs on here shouldn't knock me down from my post. you really have to listen to thing. you WILL be praising my understanding of the female libido as a function of musical compilations when you are peeling your undies off the ceiling in the morning and figuring out how they got there.

by now, you realiza that i don't mind putting more than one song from an artist on a mix. i just don't subscribe to that school of mix tape making. i'm all about the flow. that's just how i roll. and the flow on this mix is all about the flow of juices. so, enjoy and don't feel shy about sharing your experiences with me.

Dating Brush Up

Sometimes we forget some basics of dating. Here is a big one: consent. Consent means that all parties involved are aware of what is going on and agree to move forward with it. For you stealth daters, this can be a slippery thing. It is hard to ask a lady out to something requiring commitment like a meal if you are unsure about her feelings for you. Lesbians in San Francisco are notorious for not wanting to "date" or use the word "date" ever. Even as you discuss these semantics with that lovely object of desire over dinner and cocktails, then maybe even catch a movie or live show,it is not a date. Stealth daters, I feel your pain. And I don't know anyone who has complained about being coerced into "hanging out" with some shy cutie by agreeing to go out with them while drunk or asleep or otherwise incapable of giving consent. But confusion has occurred about whether or not there is consent before having sex. Rule of thumb- if the person you want to have sex with is too high or drunk to drive, flag a cab, stand up straight, etc., err on the side of they can't give consent but might be able to in the morning! If they are asleep, they can't give consent. If they are underage and say yes, they still can't give consent.
Remember, San Francisco is a small town and it is better to be cautious then incarcerated after an ass kicking.

Dazed and Confused and Dating in SF

my friends are all wondering why i can't keep a woman interested in me longer than 2 weeks. and i've been starting to think that maybe i'm a bit off. here were some of their thoughts.

6. women are frightened by my toned body. right!?!

5. they are frightened by my enchanted forest and the unicron that lives within- some might say that it's horrifying. but somehow my manly leg hairs are ok. i don't want to paint a scarey picture here. i'm by no means atila the hun but i don't have the bush of a pre-pubescent girl either.

4. my eastcoast sarcasm drives them away to take up burning man as a career, in an effort to erase the cynicism that i put in the atmosphere. and then they can make the world or at least that piece of desert a better place. i say just buy the world a coke but whatevs.

3. they are crazy for passing up such a great catch. perhaps. but who wants to be caught.

2. self-sabotage so that i can keep bringing in ridiculous yet true stories for this blog. probably the nail on the head.

1. too much making out and hanging out, as told to me in an email by one SF woman. just down right ridiculous. but i guess everyone has their limit.

ok.. come on. i understand the pda thing - that's a given. but who the hell doesn't like making out? like, all of a sudden the new millennium came and people stopped liking a good make out sesh. was it the whole "freedom fries" thing? god, i hope not. who listens to politicians when it comes to a good french kiss. and we know these politicians are a little tight when it comes to french anything, like a good french blow job. yes, i said it french.... there. three times. come get me.

if i'm blogging my next entry from guantanamo, you'll know why. eff it i'm probably on the list already for rooting for the french in the world cup...again.

if this is the dawning of the age of aquarius, this sucks. aquarians are natural born kissers and we are not going to let people into our age who are NOT going to be making out. sooooo, you should prepare yourselves now. hello!?!

Lesbian Guide to SF Myspace Rule #5

myspace is not the gate way to one's soul. it's nowhere close. it's like topeka, kansas - you might drive through it on the way to the coasts, it was fun to say as a child - topeka, but what do you really get out of a visit there? so, don't obssess over that chic you just met by pumping up her "profile visited" by 1000 times more than you did yesterday. and thank your lucky stars that myspace isn't like friendster and you can stalk or obssess or love or whatever you want to call it under the cloak of darkness.

i guess you can stalk with friendster too, just don't forget to turn off your profile. besides, friendster is soooo 1990's, at least that's what i've been told.

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Dyke March Tip #1

it's probably not the best idea to do ecstacy at Dyke March, aka the high holy day of making out, when you've invited the woman in which you're interested to hang out with you and your friends. E-specially if she is not partaking and especially if there are people around you, other than her, that you want to kiss.

recipe for disaster...

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Tip #23

if you decide to take the craigslist w4w posting route to meet people, when answering a post to do lesbian coffee or whatever, it's probably best to refrain from sending a jpg of your freshly shorn labia or anus. or anyone else's for that matter. just a thought.

and if you are on the receiving end, it's probably a dude - duh, not to insult your intelligence.

dr. SupergrOOp says.."Play nice after parting"

This principle is obvious, but I felt it might be good to get it in here for the record.

When and if dating leads to having a girlfriend and if serial monogamy is a result of your dating style or agenda, remember, San Francisco can be a v-e-r-y small city.

This said, if the relationship ends at some point (albeit 3 years down the line) and you both belong to the same circles or even some of them, you will want future interactions to go smoothly between the both of you and your shared friends. I find this holds true for even certain nascent ‘dating’ relationships.

My "A" principle = If possible, part amiable and on agreed upon terms of civility and cooperation.

Your ex has everything to do with your future dating life. It influences your well being on many levels: social network, mutual friends, work life, etc. Establishing these terms right off the bat from a breakup will allow you to move forward more comfortably as you venture forward as a single agent.

Straight culture does not have to worry about “napalm-ing” their past lovers. I have read some doozies buh bye emails written by my straight male friends to girls they were frustrated with or no longer interested in. In their world, there truly are “many” more fish in the sea and these fish probably don’t know your ex-fish. They have no need to evolve these past relationships into friendships.

Personally, I do not have this option, even with the significant turnover in our fair mecca of opportunity. Eventually, if handled with respect, patience and consideration your ex can become a genuine ally moving forward in your dating life in San Francisco.

Lesbian Guide to SF Fashion Tip #5

leave your teevas on the east coast, unless you are moving to berkeley. i think it's a berkeley city ordinance that you have to either own a pair of teevas or the ole' stand by, birkenstocks. you get fined if you go to the saturday berkeley farmer's market without wearing one of the two. and if you feel like you absolutely must wear either and you plan to live in SF, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT wear them with socks, especially with the ole' lesbo white athletic sock. just trust me on this.

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Mix Tape #2

you'll have to excuse my obssession with mix tapes but i grew up in the mix tape era. we passed notes in school, we made-out in the movie theatres, and we made mix tapes - that's just what we did. we were born in the 60's and 70's, we were tragically melodramatic in the 80's, tragically detached in the 90's, and now we still make mix tapes to express or angst and wo. back in the day, making mixes would be an all day or night event - technology was not what it is today. if a song didn't sound perfect next to another song, you had to erase it "manually" and then start over. it was a daunting task. there were no itunes, no ripping music from the internet, no casually moving one song ahead of another with a click of a mouse. it was like walking to and from school up hill both ways. because it was so difficult to make the perfect mix (one where you couldn't hear the tape machine plunking off after each song. and one that was smooth and flowed well), a mix tape was a major gift. on top of all that, you would take the time to decorate the tape cassette box with a "just so" collage of magazine ads, doodles, and photos that expressed your desire or friendship for the recipient of such a fine gift. facile, it was not. there was alot of glue involved and it could take days. it was a work of art.

so, i'm publishing another mix. this particular mix is very emo. i would recommend that you not give this to just anyone, unless you have been completely vulnerable to this person. actually, i would recommend not giving this mix to anyone. mostly this mix should be listened to on a lonely friday evening, as you drink a glass of whiskey on the rocks (i like jamesons) or a glass of wine (or two or three...). it is a mix that will help you reflect on your life, it will reach into your chest and rip your damaged heart out and help you begin to mend it. it will push you under but remember you need to experience that before you can experience love again. if, and only if, you're ready to move-on past finished relationships will this mix be your sherpa. it will be hard and you will wake up with puffy eyes and if you don't get altitude sickness you will feel refreshed and renewed sat morning (don't forget to drink water before you go to bed - i don't want you to blame me or the mix for your hangover).

i know you're saying, "doc, that's alot to ask of a mix tape." but if you've ever come across an arrangement of music that can soothe your soul (i.e. the blues - that's what they're for, to empathize with the listener. so that you don't feel alone), you know what i mean.


1. icicles - patty griffith
2. amsterdam - coldplay
3. such great heights - iron & wine
4. twilight - elliott smith
5. i just don't, think i'll ever get over you - colin haye
6. the nearness of you - norah jones
7. lover, you should have come over - jeff buckley
8. stoned - dido
9. ne me quitte pas - nina simone
10. xmas card from a hooker in minn.- neko case
11. righteously - lucinda williams
12. hallelujah - rufus wainwright
13. keep it loose, keep it tight - amos lee
14. hail to whatever you found in the sunlight that surrounds you - rilo kiley
15. oremi - angelique kidjo

Dating Politics & Guest Pundits

in the coming months i will have guest pundits giving helpful hints, tips, and rules to follow or to fuck-up. i realized that i just haven't cornered the market on dating expertise in the wonderful world of lesbian dating in SF.

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Tip #24

when moving to SF, it would probably be good just to tighten the clamps on that mitral valve so that you can be closed off like everyone else who has loved and lost, which is pretty much most of the women here and maybe you too. somehow, there is a magnet in SF for people who are afraid to love (i think it has to do with plate techtonics and seismic activity. that's also probably the reason there are so many earthquakes - a blockage in the flow of love. feel free to use this as an argument to revival jerry farwell's hypothesis of god hates gays so god causes earthquakes in SF as a way to cleanse the world of ill).

in ancient civilizations the liver, not the heart or brain, was considered the most important organ in the body - the epicenter of life in some ways. hence, the presence of the root live. *In spoken Egyptian Arabic they say Hita min Kabidi, it is translated in the English language as, A piece of my liver. This phrase is used to describe some one who is very precious. However, modern Egyptians have changed it at present to be Hita min qalbi, A piece of my heart.

so, if either your heart or your brain has lost function when it comes to your intimate relationships, you should probably stop drinking b/c the liver is all you have left. sorry, to all those who are fans of the colon, skin, urogenital system, or any other organ - they are all great organs. and i don't mean to belittle their effectiveness in life.

so remember, when a woman says it's not you it's me (i can't believe people still say that), it's partially true - BUT only partially. the other fraction of that equation is that it IS you and you're not worth the effort to them.

don't be fooled.

b/c when you find someone worth it, you know it in your heart unless you only have your liver left to work from and even that might be pickled at this point. goodluck with that.

don't get me wrong, it is good to be tentative and go slow. and i recommend this whole-heartedly - mitral valve and all.

addendum tip #24: i was told by my friend claire that, although, some people abuse the "it's not you, it's me" thing, that sometimes it is actually true. there - for what it's worth.

*http://www.megazettepress.co.uk/introduction_1.htm

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Rule #21

never ask for a hottie's information, i.e. email or phone number, from a friend of a woman you used to date, especially if you have never been introduced to the hottie that you want to meet. whatever happened to the tradition of introductions? AND, by all means, don't ask the "ex" for that friends email so that you can ask for the info. of said hottie. do your own dirty work.

if you need a flow-chart, just let me know.

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Rule #5

no drunk texting or calling or emailing! you'll hate yourself in the morning. it's worse than a hangover. and you can never take it back. of course, you can say, "sorry for the drunk text" but then you look more like a tool than you already are. the problem with technology is that the more society tends towards instant gratification the more it will insure that you stay single. and it can also cause forced celibacy if your not careful. so try to fight the urge to press "send". at least, when you drunk snail mail someone you can read the stupid crap you wrote in the morning and decide not to send it - because really your drunk ass isn't going to address the letter, put a stamp on it and walk it out to the mail box.

why does it always seem like a good idea when you're drunk? why do we always think we have the wittiest thing to say? i can't give you any insight on this. but what i can tell you is that the person on the receiving end is non-plussed and most likely not amused and is probably showing your text to her friends, as they laugh at how pathetic you are.

so here are some options to avoid insult to injury, otherwise known as single AND celibate.

1)text your friends instead. this works well. i've had to do this quite often. the fun part about this method is that you're probably out with these friends and you'll all look really important receiving texts in a crowded bar. like someone might actually be drunk texting your sorry ass.

2)leave your phone at home when you're going out boozing (my mom's word).

3)take your phone with you when you go out but once you've hit that "i'm going to text/call her" plateau, hand your phone over to your friends. you have to discuss this option with them before you go out so they know what to look for. so, they can ask you who you're texting when they see that you have your phone out. it really takes a village to get you laid.

4)never sit in front of your computer when you get home. not even to check your myspace page.

if someone drunk texts you, remember to have some compassion.

the smiths' song should be renamed as DRUNK TEXTERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Rule #1

the golden rule. dating sucks! that's it and you already knew that. but (and this is a big butt - i like big butts and i cannot lie...oops i digress) there will be that one woman who comes along and makes it all worth it (well most of it at least). it doesn't matter if it works out. it doesn't matter if it's only 4 days. she's the one that makes you feel young and silly again. makes you feel bashful when she looks at you. makes you feel tingly with a mere brush of her shoulder against yours. she makes you laugh and second guess yourself. if you're quiet and observe her watching you, you notice that she sees through that protective wall you've erected, so as not to get hurt. she is challenging and it lingers on your lips. and you want to kiss her more but you can't. you never thought you'd be able to feel that again because you've been thinking and not feeling. AND she eats meat.

and by you, i mean me. so good luck with the dating.

beware: if it doesn't work out, you will inevitably see this woman everywhere. if it does, call me and give me some pointers.

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Tip #5

when you meet a cool and interesting woman be scared but go forth and be yourself. and then pray she doesn't run like hell. and if she does - "oh well" and "you deserve better" (at least that's what my friends keep telling me).

my friend claire advises me to not date fragile women. unfortunately, in SF i'm like a fat kid with barry bond's bat and some steroids in a china store. by the time we all reach SF, we have so much baggage that most of us are still getting those bags shipped out here. so, remember to try not to be over-zealous - really your best bet is to just be compassionate to others, be happy with only receiving hugs, and masterbate a lot.

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Mix Tape #1

this mix is almost a masterpiece so i'm posting it. the jury is still out on whether the woman i've made this mix for wants to spend time with me (if you're reading this, don't send me up the river). nevertheless, that fact doesn't negate the almost perfection aspect of this mix and it's potential longlasting positive effects. btw: i've made this mix specifically for this special someone but feel free to use it or the general outline (see LGSFD making of mix tapes tip #3. other references include high fidelity, wedding singer, and/or soundtracks to any john hughes movies).

this particular mix is for someone you've just met and there is an obvious connection but still suspicion. i was reminded that this is the fun part of getting to know someone that so many people rush through.

do not give this mix to any woman who just willy nilly asks for you to burn music for her (see LGSFD Rule #227). this is a special gift.

so, i went with some pre/riot grrl songs to start it off - keeping the message innocuous. this gives the mix some accessibilty and validity. you won't come off as a needy, overbearing tool. i then fall into the pm dawn/spandau ballet hole. this is the treacherous part of the mix that shows her that i would desire some kind of connection. at this stage you don't want to go over bored on this. this section should be 1 or 2 songs that are emotive but not over much (which i have a hard time doing and which is why i'm probably still single in SF - damn i need a guru). And then i dig my way out of the crevace of vulnerablity with an 80's new wave montage. i end with the lovemakers "shake that a*s" as a fireworks display, leaving her wanting more - music that is.

this is a wooing* mix. so if you've already slept with the person you want to give this mix to, it won't have the same masterpiece power. use it wisely - don't abuse it.

*and by wooing i mean to keep her around longer than 2 weeks. not just to get into her panties or boxer briefs or whatever she has or doesn't have on under that skirt or behind that button-fly within the first 96 hours.

well well well - le tigre
hey - pixies
opened - breeders
mr 5 minutes - holly mcnarland
labour of love (cover) - frente
dance- lovemakers
jumping someone else's train - the cure
bizarre love triangle (cover) - frente
close to me - the cure
west end girls- pet shop boys
i'd die without you - pm dawn (i got it in there w/o being terribly cheesy)
true - spandau ballet
the look of love - abc
don't you (forget about me) - simple minds
take a chance on me - erasure
subculture - new order
beef jerky - cibo matto (this is a personal reference b/c we both love jerky)
just can't get enough - depeche mode
girls & boys - blur
shake that a*s - the lovemakers

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Rule #10

i was told that a good rule of lesbian thumb is not to spend more than 3 days out of the week with a woman you've just met. and those should not be consecutive days. i think this is an algorithm to stave off the uhaul for people who don't know how to take space. it sounds like a pretty good rule but remember spontaneity can be such an aphrodisiac.

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Tip #9

if you actually get a woman to go to dinner with you or go on any other outing that could be considered a date. do NOT mention the word DATE out loud. for instance, don't say "i told my friend that i was going on a date with you tonight." most likely your "date" will tell you that she doesn't go on "dates" (even though you're on one).

date has to be the dirtiest word in SF, just behind the almost unspoken phrase "the christian right" . san francisco needs to come up with a new set of gay "dating" lexicon that can appease everyone's need for this-is-not-a-"date" empowerment.

tip #9 addendum: my friend tyler has suggested a few alternate words to assign to the outing we once knew and loved as "the date." the best, in my humble opinion, is interview. so now i go on interviews with women. maybe this year i can write them off as a business expense for tax purposes. thank you, tyler.

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Tip #1

this is half a dating tip and half a tip to surviving the weather in SF (probably the most important tip to surviving SF, which in the end is a dating tip). when you get to that most fabulous first summer in SF and somewhere in the back of your head you hear mark twain bitching that the coldest winter he ever spent was a summer in san francisco. and you have that urge to break out the north face puffy jacket - DON'T!

what will happen is everyone and their mother will tell you that you need to layer. it will drive you insane a) because you will hear this everytime you say that you're cold and b) it is a dynamic layering process, always taking off and putting on clothes. the frustrating thing is that you'll need clothes for every climate at all times- cha-ching. if you're an rei lesbian, you're in luck (you probably have all the gear you need already and the dividends to prove it. BUT you will be dateless). you should live in berkeley they'll appreciate you more fully there.

about a month into the cold, one foggy cold summer's day you'll look around and notice that the town really doesn't consist of mostly bike messengers, as you previously thought, just that everyone carries around their wardrobe in timbuk2 messenger bags.

as the summer wears on and you begin to learn how to layer (begrudingly, because you are still bitter about missing the warmth of east coast summers and you'd wish people would just shut the hell up), they begin to add this phrase: "don't worry, september and october are like the best months of the year." LIARS! there are maybe 2 weeks during that time period that are nice. it is all a ploy to get you to stay and suffer with them.

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Tip #2

if you come to SF single or you find yourself fastly single upon arrival, know this and listen up. you must have UNLIMITED TEXTING- you know SMS on your phone! if you don't or if you decide to not heed my warning you will be screwed, poor, and out of the mix. most interactions happen over text or myspace...i know, i know, effing myspace.

don't think you can get 500 or 1000 texts per month (eff you sprint) and be ok. let me reiterate YOU MUST HAVE UNLIMITED TEXTING. let me give you an example.

her: hey do you want to get a drink tonite?
me: sure.
her: where?
me: where ever.
her: do you want a dive bar or something shee-shee?
me: how about the whiskey bar?
her meow!
me: what?
her: meow!
me: ok. how's 9ish?
her: meow! meow! purrr.
me: ? see you there.
her: ok, meow!

if you're over your text limit and you don't have some special person-to-person text plan, that's a $1.30 conversation. and this is a short conversation. you say, tone, what's $1.30 in the grand scheme of things? well, 500 txts divided by 30 is 16.67 txts per day (receiving and sending). so, you say, somewhere in the middle you stop texting and call. firstly, who's keeping track of the number of texts left in one's plan. and secondly, you've then broken the unspoken SF "we haven't moved THIS to THAT level yet" rule (see Rule #51).

beware of what i call "the 10 cent meow". it killed my bill when i first got here. and there are alot of femme women here who say and text it. i don't know exactly what it means. what i do know is that it costs 10 cents on my "no texting" plan and i still don't have a couch because of it. dude, 10 cents adds up. just ask the execs at sprint. or i can just send you a copy of my bill.

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Rule #50

don't ask a woman out to dinner in SF. women in SF don't do dinner. eating sucks. listening to kelly clarkson ad nauseum at the lex is way better. every lesbian knows that kelly satiates the mind, body and soul.

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Tip #25

if you are fresh off the proverbial boat and are looking for short term bliss with another woman. you may be in luck. the "grass is greener" effect is in full swing in SF. however, that means you will not be long with this woman. so, don't come with any expectations of longevity in SF, don't forget to turn off your heart, and don't forget to bring your mastercard. because people switch gf's, partners, and fuck buddies here like hot potatoes.

and you, being freshmeat, have a leg up.

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Tip #10

if you arrive single to san francisco you need to know the available/unavailable demographics of lesbians in the city. there are many different kinds. i read somewhere that there are 64,000 gay women in the bay area but don't be fooled, only 5.5 are truly available and that includes east, north, south bay, and the peninsula.

unavailable women come in these flavors:

crazy
crazy with a gf
crazy with an ex
or emotionally unavailable

btw: most women in SF fall into the emotionally unavailable category and wear it like a badge. and honestly, who isn't?


available women come in 3 flavors:

the 5.5 that are truly available
stalkers
or women who are in open relationships

beware SF open relationships. the women in open relationships in SF are monopolizing the single women. this is one of the reasons why there are only 5.5 women truly available in SF. you can't get a date with a woman who's involved with a couple or half of a couple. somehow the partnered pair in this panoplous situation are brainwashing the single people into thinking that they are the couple. you ask why i say this? because you will find that the "singles" in these polyamorous relationships will not date other true singles or anyone else for that matter out of loyalty to their situation. hello, you are the MISTRESS.

in my opinion, most open relationships are a prelude to a break-up. what kind of credentials do i have to rant about open relationships? i was in a 5 year open relationship. doomed from the start.

Lesbian Guide to SF Dating Rule #227

the mix cd or mix tape (as i call them - still stuck in the 80's) is dating currency. and mostly that's all a woman wants from you - to pad their ipod library. in these days and times free music is paramount to free sex b/c, really, when is sex ever free?

watch the woman who asks for music. the whole point of the mix tape is the power of it's serendipitous appearence at your door or in your mail or whatever. and it's a gift that you absolutely can't ask for. otherwise, it's just music on a disc and they don't care about the preciousness of the exchange. asking for a mix tape is like asking for an engagement ring. and any woman who asks is most likely poised to drop you like you're hot once you hit the "burn" icon. ironic, huh. i say, burn this. so, take the following guidelines in advisory:

a) if a woman you are seeing asks you to burn her music before you've had sex, wait for at least 2 weeks before you do (b/c sf dating only lasts 2 weeks). if you're still hanging out after 2 weeks, you might be golden. if you give her the free music right away, you'll never see her again (except at the lex, or hot panties, or at dolores park, or etc...). if you can't wait to give her that precious gift of music, at the very least get her into bed first.

b) if a woman asks you to burn her music after you've had sex with her. you're still screwed. it will still only last 2 weeks.

c) if she doesn't ask. and you can give her that music as a gift of "good faith". she might be a keeper (at least for 2 weeks if you don't dork out on her).

Mix Tape Corollary: if they've asked for music, they're probably thinking about their ex while listening to the mix you've made.

6 months in and counting...

so, i've been in san francisco for a year now. i came here for three reasons 1) a girl, 2) a job, and 3) the sf art world.

i started this blog in an effort to help other east coast people to traverse the rocky san francisco social terrain. it's a hard place to get under your belt, especially if you've been socialized east coast style.

needless to say, i'm no longer seeing the girl (that actually ended before i moved). i still have the job and i've yet to crack the art scene full force. but the biggest hurdle has been the ugly D word, dating. and that's going to be the focus of this blog - to be specific lesbian dating. dude, sweeeeet!!!! so, sit back and enjoy the trials and tribulations of a single, 30 something gay woman in sf.